Building, not burning bridges

In the era of internet and online, one thing I observe is the opportunity for everybody to say what he/she wants to say. Sometimes, the written words come across really harsh, unintentionally. Although many times, it was written intentionally to invoke anger - kononya siapa yang makan cili akan terasa pedas.

It can involve religious community, health professionals, anti-establishments, feminist or anybody who has strong opinions, and would like to impart their opinions on others. Many feel satisfied after lashing out arguments which tears apart their opponents, without realising - it did not change anything. It only increase their bitterness and resentment between the groups.

Psychologist and prophetic traditions have guided us to believe that change at personal level or belief usually comes from within, instead of being forced from outside. Things may look calm on the surface of a dictatorship nation, but any small opening will be used against the dictator himself.

The first step to at least bridge the gap is to understand, there are 3 modes of conversation: Debate, Discussion and Dialogue. The objective of debate is to get a winner (and a loser). And i think this is the majority of whats happening in social media, or in life even. The second is discussion. Although better than debate, discussion also aim to get a consensus or conclusion. And finally, a dialogue. A dialogue aim is to help understand each other, open our mind to options.

But often we see, a formal gathering called dialogue, but at the end, it turns into a debate - of right and wrong. How to make sure what we have is a dialogue - not a debate?

5 ways to build dialogue:

1. Positive intention
While talking to each other, put aside the our own judgment, first impression or any pre-conception idea. We want to sincerely know what and why the other side is thinking.

2. Ask clarifying questions
Dialogues involve a lot of clarifying question - "That is something new for me. Do you mind telling me more why you say that?" It gives the other side opportunity to explain and be heard.

3. Listen humbly
We listen not because we want to find points to counter attack. We listen to find the commonalities between different parties, and where is the differences, so clarification can be made.

4. Use pause intentionally
There will be times when we have urge to reply to a question immediately. Resist that temptation. Pause before answer.

5. Find common ground
There will always be a common ground. People argue about vaccine - but both groups want the best for their children. Different religious sects all want to enter paradise instead of hell.

So, next time you encounter an anti-vaccine or someone who really have different opinion and saying things that should not be said, what will you do? For me, pause is important. We need to pause (before replying) so we can re-think of our intention - that engaging in fiery conversation, most of times, will not benefit any. People won't change for something that was forced onto them. I need to pause so i can really hear what the other person said. Is there any logic behind that statement. Then instead of straight away telling them my opinion, probably i should ask clarification of why they say what they say. And if they want to listen to my opinion, I'll give mine, without having that 'micro-expression' that my opinion definitely is better than yours.

At the end of the day, it takes practice to have dialogue and to keep it that way. And it takes two person to do this. And we only have control for ourselves, not the other person. We can only do our best, and hopefully others will see that we are not there to combat, but to build bridges.

Unless you decide you want to debate, not a dialogue.